I pray that one day I would have a faith that can move mountains. To believe so much in what God is doing in our life - even in the good and bad, that there is no worry or doubt.
Our faith was shaken a bit yesterday as I started to question what God was doing in our life. I questioned His will, His ways.
Yesterday I woke up not feeling great. I felt nauseous, I felt sick. I thought GREAT (that is a positive GREAT). I am feeling symptoms of being pregnant and that is exactly what I want - to know that my body is responding to a human growing inside of it. Symptoms are a gentle nudge I think, from God, reminding me of the miracle He has created. I hope for those nudges.
As noon rolled around, I started to feel crampy and then lo and behold, I started to spot. That was my first time, and some of my other symptoms, caused me to be very concerned. Okay, not concerned, but literally scared. The memories of old were all to fresh. I went on a walk, hoping the cramping would go away, but it didn't. I immediately walked into the house and called the doctor. Of course they were on lunch, so for the next half hour I just cried, read my Bible, and prayed. Tears of utter helplessness. Tears for this little one inside. That God would spare his/her life.
The nurse called back and asked more about my symptoms and I could tell by her voice that she was alarmed. Well, that doesn't help an already scared soul, so more tears. Of course I called Dan and he was on his way home from work (so thankful they are understanding). We were beside ourselves honestly.
The nurse called back yet again, after she talked to the doctor about my symptoms and said they needed me to come in for an ultrasound soon. Part of me was at peace because I just wanted to know, but the other part of me was concerned that they were trying to get me in as early as they could. Talk about one scared momma.
Unfortunately the clinic I go to did not have openings until 7:30am the next day, but they said they could look at the hospital. I told them that for a peace of mind, I need to come in today. They completely understood and I was able to get in 50 minutes later. I told Dan to turn around and I would meet him in Willmar, pick him up, and head straight to the hospital.
I would love to say that we had a faith that could move mountains in all of this, but we didn't. We were both in shambles. Could this really be happening? Again? Through mumbled words, we told each other we just couldn't do it again. Yet later we both said that God is in control and that if He has taken this precious life to be with Him, that He would help us get through it. We prayed as we sat in the parking lot, that the ultrasound would have a healthy baby and that all of our worries would be carried away.
Thankfully it was really quiet at the hospital so we headed to registration right away and sat down for 30 seconds and the imager called us back. He starts off by saying that because I am only 7 weeks, that they might not see anything through the stomach because the baby is so small. Way to make us even more concerned, but at the same time, it was the right thing to tell us.
As the medical imager rolled the device on my stomach, I could see a black hole. I knew from past experience that that was a good sign (at least there was a placenta)! And almost immediately he said "I think there's the baby!" I lifted my head up ever so slightly to look into Dan's eyes. Our eyes welled up with tears. And then a few short moments later, he said there is the flickering heartbeat.
I couldn't contain the overwhelming sense of peace that ran through my entire body. The peace of God that said "My child, everything will be okay." For the next few minutes, I just had tears streaming, trying to keep as still as I could so the imager could get the best looks he could at this little miracle.
I kept apologizing that I was crying, but he said that life really is a miracle and that since this was our first one, it probably meant a lot. I timidly said that actually we had been in this position before, but in a different way, and we had seen an empty screen. So to see life is so overwhelming that all I could do was cry.
This little baby, who's parts are nowhere fully formed, but the heartbeat as strong as can be. That is what I want my faith to look like. My heart to be so in charge - a heart full of God, that it overtakes who I am. A heart that is so full of God's love and grace, that when people look at me, that is what they see. That is what I saw in our child yesterday.
We saw the heartbeat a few times as the imager said that we have a healthy baby thus far. Measuring right on (should be 1 centimeter big - Babester is 1.1) and the heartbeat should be between 80-180 and Babester's was 142.
I wish I had a faith that could move mountains. I doubted what God was doing in our life. I cried out to Him why? We were so certain that THIS was what God wanted for us, but to have a scare like this?
As we walked back to the car, we couldn't contain ourselves. Tears just streamed. We prayed a prayer of thanksgiving and relief. And we realized, that this whole ordeal now blessed us with the gift of ultrasound pictures! Pictures we only ever dreamed of having one day. Pictures filled with so much life. Pictures that reminded us that GOD can move mountains.
So, why was I having the symptoms I did? The nurse practitioner called me about an hour later and said they were unsure, but to just take it easy the rest of the day, but that really I could continue on and just monitor how I was feeling. Various things could have caused my symptoms, but my body and the baby seem to be healthy and they were not alarmed. No abnormalities showed up. Typically you do not have an ultrasound at 7 weeks - they are usually between 10-12 weeks. But God had a different plan! A plan of reassurance.
What a blessing. What a gift. It was an extremely hard few hours yesterday as I could hear the sense of urgency on the nurse's part too when I called. But if all of that was so that we could receive the gift of an ultrasound picture and be reassured that yes, God HAS created life within, then it was all worth it. And that is what we are going to look at that situation as - a gift. A gentle reminder that God is in control and that serving God does require a faith that can move mountains, no matter what the situation.
I told myself I wouldn't doubt as I did yesterday, yet our memories are still so fresh. But we serve a God who is so much more than our past and looks ahead to the blessings He will give us in the future.
So today we rejoice in this little picture - a picture of perfection and beauty. A life knit together by the VERY HANDS OF GOD. A life nuzzled up in my womb, hopefully until March. We pray that God continues to keep this lil one and myself as healthy as can be - as healthy as He sees perfectly fit.
To God be the glory!